prompt: what have you let go of this year and how has it affected you?

i am very very bad at letting go, emotionally and mentally. i live under the mistaken idea that i have limitless space within me to store every memory, every feeling, every story – and to be consciously aware of them all – forever. and you just cannot carry all of these things with you, all of the time. your space and energy are not limitless. this introduction is mostly to say, it would be unfair for me to say i have actually let go. i am in the process of letting go, and for some of the list items i’m further along than others. that is a much more comfortable statement.

i’m letting go of the emotional impact of the explosion of several important relationships that occurred in 2009. you’ll think i’ve held on too long to this, but please go have a second look at that intro paragraph. i’ve been holding onto anger and hurt and a resulting coldness – and i finally don’t feel a need for it anymore. i don’t wish to allow these people to change who i am.

i’m letting go (with some reluctance) of a dedication to perfection. i wrote a post about this a little while back. i am a stresser and a worrier. i am stressed and worried almost all of the time, and usually it has to do with achieving some goal that contributes to a larger goal of having a perfect life. this is asinine and it’s affecting me in ways i didn’t predict and don’t like (migraines, outbursts, breakdowns) – and it’s time to stop. i say i’m giving it up with some reluctance because – well, it’s a part of me, and the things that have been a part of you for so long are a comfort, even if they are also causing you pain. crazy how that works, right? but i’m actively trying to calm the fuck down. promise. deep breaths and the whole shebang.

i’m letting go of a compulsion to be what i am not. i wrote a post on this as well – apologies. i am ridding myself of the notion that i should/must/would be better if i were into thing x or had quality x. i am into what i’m into and i have the qualities i do and those are awesome, and i am learning to embrace that notion. this is actually quite a revolution.

for bonus points, i have a goal of letting go of materialism in 2012. i find myself falling too often into the mousetrap of “well i just have thing x, everything will be ok/better/filled with rainbows”. this is a lie and i’ve got to stop believing it. i want to pare down in the new year, and i want to develop mechanisms to curtail my desire for stuff. stuff doesn’t fix anything. thought and reflection and work does.