i have difficulty dreaming.

not at night. i actually, recently, have had a very easy time dreaming at night, and i often wake up in various states of confused deep thought at what’s going on in my dreams. this, i believe, is a result of getting a nice healthy chunk of sleep every night – i need my 7-8 hours. this is all an aside though.

i have difficulty having dreams for my life. i never thought beyond what i should do, what was prescribed into my path. well – that’s not completely true. i did, as a teenager, dream of being thin and beautiful in my 20s, magically not working and having an amazing apartment in manhattan, and going out to fancy restaurants and sexily dancing the night away in the hottest clubs every night. all in the latest hip couture, of course. look, we all have varying levels of depth, ok? mostly, i just really needed some fun. moving along.

one of the things we covered in my course was permission and even encouragement to dream. all very much fueled by a “you’re worth it” mentality, and i’m making it sound much more trite than it is. but seriously. you get this life. it is all you get. you get a day, the same day everyone does, and you choose what you do. you can chain yourself to things you do not want or you can be free. true freedom is terrifying – i have felt it through my bones. but these, these are the facts.

i see life lists on other blogs and i will admit that i’ve scoffed. lists and i do a strange tango wherein i am madly in love with them and soundly terrified of them. what if you do not finish and you are then obviously a complete failure. but that is just a lie i tell myself out of fear. and it is not a crime to have a dream.

so i am beginning to. i dream of flying first class on an airplane one day. i dream of seeing the northern lights, and the california redwoods. i dream of making a living by baking or crafting. i dream of being a professional powerhouse and making a name for myself in the world of nonprofit tech. i dream of turning this blog into a real success – making new connections and friends. i dream of friends, a marriage, children – not right now, but not too far into the future either.

it actually makes me dizzy to acknowledge these things in writing. it is unheard of for me to think about something possible without shutting it down mentally within seconds. but i think i really like this new way of looking at things.