i recently confronted a family member about her critical and nonconstructive judgments, which she was passing to friends of mine behind my back. it’s all got me thinking about, well, life. on a grand scale.

i spend much time thinking about what i am not. what i am not doing, wearing, thinking, feeling, learning, experiencing. what i am missing. what makes me not as good, full, happy, vibrant, as everybody else. why i am not enough. this thinking weaves itself into a poison lattice that lays over too much of my spirit, too much of the time.

in defending some parts of my life, i was forced to think about what i am – to think about what is here and present, the positive, instead of the holes, the gaps, the negatives i am usually preoccupied with. the parts of me and my life that are good, abundant, joyful. the idea that not everything has to be sparkly rainbow unicorns all the time to be great. that possibly, it’s safe to be satisfied with what i have.

my goal has never been happiness. happiness, to me, is reserved for special occasions – a kiss with something real behind it, finding an awesome food truck, playing in sprinklers. it is fleeting. it is a lovely place to seek or stumble upon, but it’s not my goal to live in its glow.

i seek contentedness. a neat home, a tasty, fresh dinner, a video game and laughs. a sigh of “this is really cool, and i feel peaceful”. i fear true satisfaction – i fear that it will make me lazy, thoughtless, mindless. that there will be nothing to strive for. perhaps it’s time for me to absorb that these are not mutually exclusive concepts, that there is no end of the road. my world will not fall apart or implode if i choose to breathe, to smile, to think everything is ok.

yes, i think these are the things i need to know, now.