that subject probably doesn’t seem like it makes a ton of sense.

(also, please forgive what may appear to be weird spacing. i am trying to adopt the more net-accepted “one space between sentences” style and it’s super unnatural to me, but it’s what they use at work and i keep messing up copy there. hard habit to acquire, so if some sentences have one space between them, and some two, that’s why)

let me explain.

i am really nervous about money, and having enough of it. i love saving. i love a deal. i love being smart about finances.  i contribute to my retirement plan and have since i was 22. i have a regular transfer set up to my savings account, and i try my damndest not to touch it. my upcoming vacation to jamaica is the first real vacation i will be taking in my adult life, and it took a lot to convince myself that it is a worthwhile move.  fiscal responsibility is extraordinarily important to me, personally.

(this comes from a rampant and intense desire as a young adult to be independent and self-sufficient, and a keen understanding that money is the key to such things.  also, from having a bunch of it stolen from me in my early 20s – approximately 6-7 thousand dollars.)

in the interest of accomplishing my goals of saving and living very much inside my means (which are by no means luxurious – i AM a nonprofit employee after all, and a junior one), i very rarely indulge. i do not buy myself new clothes very often, or beauty products. anything i can take care of at home instead of purchasing, i try to – i do my own nails, tweeze my own eyebrows, fix my own clothes (if i can). i’m not amazing about everything – i buy breakfast and lunch during the week instead of making my own usually, which is a money suck, i am a light smoker, also a money suck. nobody’s perfect, but i try to keep my indulgences to a minimum.

this doesn’t mean i’m not human and i don’t see shit i want ALL THE TIME. consumerism is obviously rampant, and it’s really difficult to break the belief that your life will just have some magic sparkle dust sprinkled on it if you just have THAT ONE THING. i’m usually pretty good at suppressing my desires, or at the very least finagling a good deal (i.e. last week i wanted a bunch of nail polish, i bought it on ebay, saving approx. $2 per bottle.  win!).

but here is the problem.  these bouts of restriction inevitably lead to some sort of loss of control and i buy way too many things.  my version of way too many things is perhaps different than your average person’s, but hey, remember what i said up there, much of my sanity depends on having a large rainy day (or lose my job, or must find new apartment, or insert emergency here) fund. so this week i have purchased two dresses and a 6-color essie nail polish collection and i want SO MANY THINGS. i am on some sort of spending binge, though i am trying really hard to stop wanting everything and pound into my head that things do not equal fulfillment or happiness.

(it probably does not help that i have had a really rough week emotionally, either).

i think a better plan would probably be to allow myself one small treat every paycheck, and i get paid monthly.  as in, one dress.  or one beauty product. perhaps this would solve the restriction/binge cycle i inevitably get myself into…

anyone else have odd/strange/troublesome spending habits?