i’ve wanted so badly to chronicle what’s happening right now – and i’ve feared it won’t be eloquent or artistic.
but, fuck fear, really.
for the past year and change i have lived by myself for the first time. i’ve dormed, and i’ve rented rooms in what amounted to a boarding house, and i’ve been roommates with friends – and in february of 2010 i struck out on my own. i have lived in a small one room studio that is ample, not luxurious, but suited to me. i am 5’1″ and i can reach the top shelf of every cabinet. it has been a comfortable home to grow into myself, to become comfortable and happy with solitude and silence. to come to like me, and spending time with me.
i’ve been preparing myself mentally for the end of this, i’ve been imagining what it might be like to be with the bouncer all of the time. i cannot truthfully tell you that i am 100% ready or that i am not at all nervous. my tensions have gathered and combined with the stresses of apartment hunting and shopping and packing and endless to-do lists and i have boiled over more than once. there have been some mountainous speedbumps on this road; i have built them, and he has traversed them bravely.
this weekend a big truck pulled up behind my very humble abode and i filled one quarter of it rather quickly with 95% of the things i own. i brought it somewhere else, to a house in brooklyn with 12 foot ceilings and a bedroom the size of my whole current apartment. i arranged and organized, we cleaned together, and entertained the people that have become our friends.
i could never have imagined what it might feel like – i should learn, at some point, to stop trying to predict these things. i did not anticipate the peace i might feel, or the quiet content to lay on separate couches with a breeze blowing on each just talking. i did not anticipate an almost physical feeling of crossing a barrier and threshold into something so very new, into the next era. nor how comforting it can be to have a friend so close to my heart there to help handle with the new-ness of it all, to provide an anchor. (note: this is not meant to diminish our relationship. all relationships are, at their core, friendships).
i could not have imagined how good it might be.
i have done this before, you see. when i was 18 i threw myself wholly into the very romantic and exciting idea of living with my (now) ex, and well. i’ve fallen from that mountain. i found a sheaf of his cards and letters to me while packing, that i’d forgotten i still had, and was once again blown over by the fickleness of feelings, by the degree to which everything changes. there are no constants here, there is only what we make, while we make it. these simple tidbits of knowledge – they bowl me over. but – i don’t bound towards things as i once did. this – is an adjustment
so these are my last three nights here, in a small place. i’m ready for them to be over. i’ve had this taste of my new life, and i want it now, i’m eager for thursday to get here, for it to start for real. i might not be jumping up and down like i once would have – but i want this.