the truth is, i am the kind of girl who will watch a pixellated image of your plane flying over the ocean.

not for like, the whole eight hour flight.  that’d be a little weird and i have things to do.  and not because i’m excessively worried about the plane crashing, because i’ve flown many times myself and i’m pretty convinced it’s safe.  but i do worry a little, and i do care, so in between my things when i’m sitting for a moment, i’ll refresh the page, so i know where you are, and i know you’re safe.

i know i am confused these days and i know it is weird.  i have always been the type to freely express kind, heartfelt things, to the group of people i deemed worthy of such.  it was never a large group, but it was my safety and comfort and happiness, always.  it’s gotten even smaller and other things have changed so i’m still feeling for the edges of this person who restricts – whose urge it is to speak but who swallows instead.  something is caught there, i know, so i say, “never mind, can i just go now, please?”  i am frustrated with myself, not anyone else, and i’d rather exist in silence than in struggle.

i’m sorry.  i know this is not the girl you knew.  but yes, i’m still going to watch your plane go over the ocean.

Advertisements