it’s astonishing, to read over the past few months of my digital life, and realize how much positivity has crept into me.
i’ve had my struggles and made my complaints, for sure, but when i think of the overwhelming tidal wave of change that crept into my life, and how i faced it, and what’s become of it, i am so proud. i haven’t been this proud of myself or this satisfied with my life in so long, and this peace, i cannot express to you how welcome it is. i am so grateful for every single lesson i have learned, and there have been a whole damn lot of them recently. give me time, i’ll write about them all.
it has finally crept into my bones that i own this life, that i can make it whatever i want it to be, that i am the architect and designer. i am in charge, and that doesn’t have to be some sort of struggle or fight. this is mine, to make what i do of it. for the first time i feel a solid rock of possibility in me, not something tenuous or fleeting, something solid and real and it is known. this is real.
one of the most important things i faced in the past few months is a true acceptance and peace with any outcome of any situation. i knew while searching for a job that it might take a while and might be a really rough mountain to climb. i accepted from the outset that i would be rejected and i found my peace with it. i also was obviously at peace and excited to find something amazing. i predicted as many roads as i could, i knew that i couldn’t possibly map them all, i focused on maintaining hope, and along i went.
in that vein, i know that this peace and contentment that is flowing through me right now is temporary. it is the nature of this world and our life as humans, as creatures of thought and feeling and language, to change everything all the time. i am going to have shitty days and fight with my friends and boyfriend. crap is going to go wrong. annoyances are going to happen. the best i can do in the face of these hardships is hold solid to myself, to what and who i have become from the challenges and triumphs and failures i have walked through. and finally, in so many ways, i have become a person that i want to rely on, to hold strong to. and then, i can return to this center – and this thrills me. this whole life of mine is thrilling me.