I like the way the lights look out of the back car of the subway. They are refracted into rainbows. I don’t love much about this city, I’ve talked about it before, but the things I do like are special to me. Candied nuts sold on the street. Rainbow lights.
I get these snippets all the time, things I should jot down, poetic ideas that are nascent art. I should, I should, but there is never enough time, is there? Ah, now I remember. This is what was in my head.
I know your type. You live on adventure, adventures you can’t support but you find a way because they are the only time your heart isn’t breaking. I can never tell if you love them for the right reason, because they lift you and exhilirate you, or because they make you forget how mundane everything else is.
I know your type. You were teased in school and those scars have remained and you fight til this day, when those taunts are just whispers, to prove them wrong. You say you are confident but really, it is a fake cockiness and arrogance, a show. Your curtain will close someday. It won’t be the tragedy you believe it to be. It’s dangerous for you, either way, this I know for sure.
I know your type. You are so driven by your internal rot that you can’t help but drag others into your downward hurricane. Something always feels just a touch off in your presence but exactly what that is is never clear. You are intelligent, and talented, but you are a poison.
These make it seem as though I firmly believe in pigeonholes, and I do not. The fact is that humans have defining characteristics and traits. These are only some. Anyone could carry bits, anyone could carry others – some shine through for some eras and fade. All of our experience, our interaction, only comes down to slices of time.
I realized tonight standing on a train platform that I have committed my own sins, that some could commiserate about my wrongs as easily as I have for others. I have committed cruelties – I have hurt friends and lovers. There are people that will sit around and type me as easily as I have above and the truth is, they’ll be right. I have embodied my traits, some of them are negative. I have bowed my head in penance, I have judged and analyzed and thought myself into mental black holes, and I have climbed out.
That’s really ok. We fuck up, we realize it, we move on. Perhaps you have a chance to apologize – perhaps you don’t – perhaps you sit in righteous indignation forever, and think you are perfect. You’re only hurting yourself by doing so, but ok. Your choices belong to you.
Always remember to own your choices.