i used to claim i didn’t know what made me happy. which activities were fun, and gave me joy.
that wasn’t true. i knew, but i was afraid to assign them, afraid it would be too outlandish for anyone to take seriously. afraid i wasn’t really very good at them anyway.

i used to claim that i didn’t have skills, that i was stuck, that i didn’t know how to grow anymore.
but that, also, wasn’t true. i do have skills, valuable ones, and skills, even, in fields that make me happy – but i was afraid, again, that if i boasted them i would somehow be undercut, i would somehow be proven wrong.

what i’ve learned about myself in the past several years is that i am incredibly competent – the only problem is, fear holds me back until the do or die moment. when that moment comes, i excel. the do or die moment has come, and i am doing really well. the trick for the future will be to hold onto this so that next time, i can put all of this confidence and strength out there before everything depends on it.

i am learning now, in a big giant rush, that i better believe strongly in what i can do. that i SHOULD believe strongly in it, because i am damn good. i have talents. i have measurable results from exercising those talents, and i can sell those talents. i am learning how to market myself.

this has seemed, in the past, to be an extraordinarily false venture. to carefully place your plastic, professional smile for the world to see and to present only one side of yourself. i, under the guiding lights of this information superhighway, am putting it out there. don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean i show up to interviews in tattered jeans and flip flops (which is partially due to the fact that tattered jeans are not my style, and it is still way too cold for flip flops), but it does mean that i’ve created personal business cards with my blog and twitter addresses on them for networking. it does mean that i am not afraid of what i’m doing here, and that i don’t intend to associate with people who are.

this is what i do. i write, sometimes creatively, sometimes from my heart, sometimes about things that don’t matter. i have been in and around the internet for ten years – it’s what i know, it’s what i love, and it’s what i’m really pretty good at. and now, i believe, is the time to put falsehoods back on the shelf where they belong, and to be honest about who i am and what i want to do, and to DO IT. the true key, the golden one that has sparkles on it, is to stop sitting around and talking about anything, and to jump up, and do it.

and i shall.

(for those who may be confused, this does not mean i intend to get paid to internet. that would just be silly. but i am looking to take on social media and blog campaigns and to be a social media and online marketer. e-mail too. i’d love to full time position either handling these accounts or working for one specific company, but i’m also looking to work on freelance jobs to build a portfolio, and i can see where things go from there.)