i’ve been wrapped up in a temporary job that took every bit of energy i had.
my last post was about my memory of working like that.

it shreds your brain, you know?
we have these limited supplies of energy, of what we can give to anything. i try, all the time, to stretch that as far as i can. there is so much to know and i want to know it all. my friends have often been fascinated by my research skills – i can peruse the links in wikipedia articles for hours. it’s partly a bit of an obsessive habit – i have strong feelings about sets and collections and completing them and this includes sets of knowledge. example: i never loved chemistry but i had a burning desire to memorize the periodic table. but anyway, that’s a diversion.

i’ve had to swallow that my energy is limited. sometimes, even, i think i am deficient in some way – it seems like everyone else has more to dedicate than i do, can keep up with more work responsibility, more friendships, more activities, more everything. it does not matter though, really – all i can do is know my ways. i need to focus on smaller sets to be more successful, and to not burn myself the hell out.

this temporary job had me waking up, heart pounding. had my breath quickening every time my supervisor spoke to me. had my head spinning ten hours a day. it left me with nothing when i walked in the door at night, and had the ability to rile me in a matter of seconds. it is no way to live.

i have been thrown for some major loops in the past month or so. but i have developed an iron resolve to, as remarkably cheesy as it sounds, follow my dreams. i didn’t even know i could have dreams – i didn’t even really think i was allowed. when you just get by for so long, you think that’s enough. i’m not settling for a damn thing anymore. i am going to put myself somewhere i want to be, not somewhere that allows me to live. and you know what? i am super fucking excited and thrilled for it.

(and i’m also not apologizing for that f-bomb, because it was totally necessary.)