i shouldn’t be writing right now.
first of all, i’m quite tired.
second of all, if i publish this now, late on a friday night, it’s going to get buried in people’s feeds and readers and not get read. that is, if i have readers left, after my sudden move, no advertising of a forwarding address, and my almost two week silence. i’m sorry for that stuff. i promise, it was necessary. i keep wanting to talk about it and i can’t, or i’m not ready, or something.
tonight i was told that someone read through my blog archive and was “disturbed” by its contents.
i don’t know what to do with that. i could be cavalier and say i don’t give a fuck, but i do. have i said anything that is all that far off from how any of us think or feel? is it the generational divide between those of us who understand putting a journal on the internet and those who just don’t? is it a bigger generational divide between those of us that are sometimes too free to express, and those of us that have been taught to repress at all costs? is it the fact that i feel, or the fact that i acknowledge it, or the fact that i write about it, or the fact that i let, and even invite, strangers to read it?
or am i really crazy, and disturbing?
my blog has become a major player in my real life lately – not that the two aren’t intimately connected anyway. but it’s played a significant impact in some major changes, realizations, hurts, problems, and revelations. i’ve had a wide gamut of responses. someone, as i mentioned, was disturbed. others say they will stay far away from this, they don’t want to read it. others think i am stupid, for putting this here, don’t understand why i would do such a thing. others have admired me, respected my honesty, told me i am talented.
i honestly believe i am just human. i believe that most anyone would find some grain of truth, some strand of recognition in something i’ve put out here. i don’t believe i am all that different from anyone else. i have some bad times and some good times, and some hard times. i’ve had my share of hurts, and of joys. i just channel it, maybe, in a way you might not understand. they might not understand.
the move that started this ridiculous chess game was me calling out the world. to take me on and come at me, and i promised to remain unfraid. i won’t lie, i’ve been chased back into a corner a bit. i am not indomitable. i am not the strongest creature around. i’ve been frightened.
but my basic tenet remains. let me disturb you, let me whatever you – i choose not to care, at the end of the day, how this makes you feel. because it is mine. for me. and i swear i will do my best to stand here rooted. come at me. i dare you.