we all know i’ve been bitching about being pudgier than usual for a while. i’m busting out of my clothes, etc. and i am – it hasn’t been pretty. i look at pictures of myself and i’m seeing a big girl, and i’m not liking it. i want to be normal me again.

the bouncer has had his own struggles with such, and found that a 2 week – 1 month stint of no carbs (like phase 1 of atkins – no more than 20 grams of carbs a day, and those should come from fiber, fruit, veggies) works really well for jumpstarting weight loss.

god, i hate that term. weight loss. so loaded and terrible and the embodiment of the ridiculousness of america, i think, but that’s a separate point.

anyway, he gently suggested it to me and i rebuffed it as i always have. i’ve done a lot of reading about nutrition and i firmly believe in a well balanced, sensible diet. whole grains. lots of fruits and veggies. whole foods (the foods themselves, not the supermarket chain). i don’t believe cutting out any one food group is a healthy thing to do.

but i have to be honest, i’ve been trying (and granted, not always succeeding) to eat sensibly and nothing is changing. he told me that eating sensibly is great for maintaining your current weight, and well, that is not my goal. i am pretty desperate to see some kind of difference. i have exercised to no avail, i have changed my eating to no avail, and it’s really tiresome.

i need a jumpstart. really badly. dreading putting on clothes every day is no way to live, guys.

he said, “i have no problem with how you look at all, i think you’re great. but i don’t want you to be stuck where you’ve been over this – you’re miserable. and i want you to have faith that if you don’t like something, you can change it. i’ll do it with you.”

(he’s really good sometimes.)

so today is day 3 of being carbless – out of a hopeful 14 days. he tried to convince me to do a month but i steadfastly refused, that shit sounds like a death sentence. it sucks a lot, that is the truth. i’ve never gone on a “diet”, per se, because i hate the concept. i am a sugar addict like the rest of my countrymen and women. i want a cookie.

but the fact also remains that in 2 days, my jeans are fitting better, and that’s cool. i thought i looked cute enough this morning to stop for five minutes and dance around after i’d put my “walking to the train” music in my ears (danced IN MY APARTMENT, not in the street, in case you were confused). i actually want to go dancing with a friend who has wanted me to do so for months now – when i haven’t because i just felt too unattractive to even enter a club and try to be sexy. never mind worrying about empty alcohol calories.

so 14 days. i think maybe i can do this. i think turkey bacon and sugar free jello will help me. and no, i don’t plan on going buckwild crazy when it’s over, but i would really like a piece of whole wheat toast with my eggs…or some brown rice sushi…etc. sensible. let’s see how it goes.