i had a friend.

or, i thought i had a friend. i don’t think it worked out. this isn’t the one you’re thinking of – there would be a lot more vitriol in my writing if it were. still working on clearing that out.

but what i’m talking about now comes after the collapse of the other friendships, when i was sort of still in the shock of it all, when it hadn’t really sunk in yet what had happened.

i started to make some friends. there is only one i am thinking of. we went to dinners after work, we met up for drinks on weekends, we went to parties. we planned shows and outings. even, one day, i went to her house and for the first time in a very long while, i felt the real warmth of friendship. i felt closeness and bonding and like i was really talking to someone. as myself. not as the front.

it fell apart, over something that i honestly don’t even remember doing, but bothered her quite a bit. i apologize, but she seemed to push me away and i accepted that fate. it hurt, and it came with consequences and a whole new plate of self-doubt, but – this was the situation on the ground. this is the situation on the ground.

we’ve been made to interact in social situations – i used to work with her, and she is still good friends with many of my coworkers. it’s all fine. there is no ill will. i ran into her last night and she emailed me concerned about possible animosity between us.

i would have lied. i would have apologized, said it was something else, and i didn’t mean for it to come out at her. i would have rolled my eyes and let it go, because i do not want to dig into the depths of it.

i remember sending her an email when i felt her coldness to me, and i remember my heart pounding in nerves waiting for the response. i remember how very defensive i was to whatever it was that would enter my inbox.

i didn’t want to be the lying, panicked girl anymore.

so i told the absolute truth, as i saw it. i was not insulting, i was not mean – i explained how i saw the situation, how it hurt me, and how i currently feel about it. i explained that i have no ill will towards her. i explained why she may be getting the vibe she is.

it was late at night. i wanted the night to think on it but i didn’t want it in my thoughts any longer, so i hit send and got right to sleep.

today i saw it there in my gmail. i filed it away under “friends”, and i went about my day. i haven’t forgotten it, but it is nowhere near the front of my mind. it just occurred to me that i haven’t received a response – and that maybe i won’t, and maybe that’s best, and…i am surprisingly totally alright with it.

this, from the girl who, five months ago, was halfway to hysteria over the same thing.

small steps in healing.