i’m really tired. i don’t have the brainpower for reverb right now.
i’ve got to figure out how to cook and buy all the things to cook a ham tomorrow. i’ve got to figure out other stuff. i’ve got to process my boyfriend coming to my parents and actually spending time with them for the first time in almost two years. i don’t merge worlds well.
this year – christmas has never been the same since the year of the christmas village. the very short story is that i found a christmas village i was absolutely seriously in love with (the lemax sugar n’ spice collection, if anyone’s familiar) and i got almost the whole thing. i bought myself many of the pieces and my ex bought me the rest. somewhere amidst seventeen life upheavals and eight moves, it all got lost. i had begun to replace it when he and i split. i left it, along with everything else i had, at his mother’s, because i could not go back*.
(*except that once and we don’t need to talk about it, kay? great.)
point is, it’s gone forever and still makes me cry. stupid, sure. but that’s when i sort of gave up on trying.
i’ve been trying again this year and i’ve been fucking frustrated. the things i’ve been excited for have all…altered slightly/a lot, from what i wanted or expected. i keep expecting this warmth to hit me, this magical glow, and all i’ve got is maybe slightly less vinegar in my voice when i mutter under my breath for people to hurry the hell up/get off the goddamned subway POLE because it’s for many people not just your fat ass/play ringtones on their sidekicks out loud over and over.
(aside: seriously? what the fuck? did you even grow up in a house that had a CONCEPT of manners or propriety? A MIDI TONE OUT LOUD ON THE TRAIN ON REPEAT? i can’t even process what deems that correct behavior aside from a daily bath of selfishness and living in the most oblivious bubble.)
anyway. the warmth hasn’t come on its own. i wonder so often why that is – and i realize we must make our worlds. we create everything here – without our efforts it is just a day. it is just winter, and today is just short and dark. i had the bouncer come over (for a night of pre-christmas fun and dinner, one of the plans which got kind of screwed, but not irreparably so), and he wanted to watch “a charlie brown christmas”. at the end, i had tears in my eyes (i’d seen it before but never, i suppose, really understood) and said “i guess it’s not about everything going perfectly. i guess its just about trying to be a little nicer.”
that’s not always the easiest task when you’re older, when you’ve been hurt, when there are people you miss still, and when you’re kind of afraid. it’s much easier to be prickly. it’s not the way to go – but it’s easier.
so i’m trying, so we’re trying, to let the very well placed lights (with depth) on my little three foot tree fill my heart up with something, to stay out of that deep and tempting well of the past, to love and appreciate what is here, and to be unafraid.