The prompt: December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)
this is so difficult because – i haven’t. i’m traditionally awful at letting go. like – really, horrifically, awful. i can immerse myself in memories so completely you’d think i have a pensieve. i hold on to so much, forever. i clutter my mind and soul in the name of not losing anything else. i can’t stand loss.
one time, this year, i confronted that fear of loss. i’ll tell you about that. and i must tell it simply.
i am usually less than successful on this mission, but i recognize the value of the effort, and i do try. so i’ll also tell you what i’m trying to let go of.
i let go of being held at bay, being treated poorly, and the notion that i am worth anything less than the best anyone has to give. don’t half-ass it with me. don’t try to trick me into thinking you are all in when you ARE half-assing it. give me as much of you as i give of myself, or, really, get the fuck out.
that up there is important, but that is basic, and i should have realized that a long time ago. i’m trying to let go of being so remarkably critical of myself – of how easily others can make me feel small because of the weakness of the foundation i put myself on. i’m trying to let go of fear – i’m trying to do one thing every day that i am scared of – these blog posts do, incidentally, count.
i’m trying to let go of the tumbleweed of negativity that comes with fear. i’m often anxious and angry. my shoulders live somewhere near my earlobes. i’m reminding myself multiple times a day to relax, to breathe, and to allow myself to feel.